The Urban Llama with his trusty sidekick Jordan.

Jordan, why is my fridge open?

Well Thomas a fine hello to you too.  How was your day?

Jordan you’re a cat.  Could you possibly care less about how my day actually went?  You do nothing all day but sleep, eat and make baby hairballs.

Not true Thomas, not true.  I got up three times to smack that annoying toy around on top of sleeping and manufacturing hair based products; it was very stressful.  You’re just jealous that I have the skills to work from home.

That’s great Jordan, really.  Thanks for filling me in on your hectic schedule, but you still haven’t explained why my fridge is open?

“Our” fridge is open because I was looking for something decent to eat, not this ptomaine you left in my dish.

Look rodent, I just spent something like 27 hours cleaning out that fridge after the hurricane, I don’t need your help ruining it again.

Whatever Thomas.  Some chef must have worked his way up through a gulag cafeteria before sliding over to Purina.  We all realize dogs will eat this crap, in fact they will eat their own crap, but we cats are a much more discerning lot.  My palate demands a higher caliber cuisine.

Cuisine Garcon?  Since when did Fancy Feast become cuisine?

My point exactly Thomas.  The name implies this gruel is somehow haute cuisine.  I can’t handle it anymore.  Don’t you have any more of that grilled redfish from last night?

Jordan what’s left is mine, besides you made out like a bandit.

Precisely Thomas, and that’s why I would like a spot more.  Here’s what we’re going to do.  You grab your keys and let’s take a little ride over to the fish joint.  I hear there are tons of those suckers plucked out daily.

Listen Einstein, and I use that name loosely, you wouldn’t know a redfish from a bluegill if it bit you on the arse.   If one of those critters just jumped out of the sea it would still be twitching, covered in scales and cold, not a particularly appetizing combination.

Thomas you know I don’t concern myself with the details; I leave that to the littles.  I’m a big picture kind of gal, so don’t give me a bunch of smoke, just deliver the product.  And another thing, there will be no stuffing yours truly into that portable torture chamber you call a “cat carrier.”  I just want some friggin’ carryout not an Abu-Ghraib experience.

Jordan you’ve never been tortured in your life, although now might be a fine time to start.  How about I get Dick Cheney on the line?

Thank you warden, tell that to the boys in super-max.  I want to ride up front, like a proper cat.

And how may I ask do you know about super-max?

The Discovery Channel of course!  They’ve been running prison documentaries all month, really fascinating television!

Jordan you know you’re not supposed to be watching cable unsupervised.  Remember what happened last time with the hedge clippers.  Mrs. Freepont still doesn’t speak to us.

You need to focus on the task at hand, Thomas, my redfish.  Just say no to crack.

What does crack have to do with anything?

The first step to recovery is to admit your addiction, which we don’t have time for right this minute, but perhaps after my redfish craving has been satiated we can chat.

If you are referring to my cigars they are made from tobacco leaves.

You don’t mean that thing growing by the window?  It’s a killer.  I left some hints on your carpet of my dislike for its flavor.  Perhaps you missed them?

You idiot, that’s a cactus.  Tobacco is entirely different and considerably more valuable than your furry butt.

Valuable or not Thomas, I say it kills.

Thanks C. Everett Kat, I’ll take that under advisement.  Get your collar so we can get this wagon train rolling I want to be home before the Iowa game starts.

Hawkeyes, smawkeyes, we’ll get home once my meal is properly prepared.

Out the door Ms. Swanson, it’s time for your close up.

Thomas I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

For the love of God, please get in the car.  And just so you know Jordan, unsupervised television is off-limits.

That’s cool Thomas.  By the way, have you seen the new layout design on the Discovery Channel’s web site?

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Published by:  The Daily Palette | 08-18-06